Body, Mind & Home: Embracing Uncertainty

by Miranda Robles…

Every New Year’s Eve and Day social media platforms are plastered with personal images or inspirational quotes that say something along the lines of, “This year is MY year” or “This year is my year to transform my life.” As 2020 crept among us, the posts persisted, as expected. Three months into the year and things took a turn. COVID-19 decided that the final months of 2019 and 2020 were its year. No one predicted that this pandemic would alter their lives. No one was prepared for all the chaos COVID-19 released worldwide. 

Prior to COVID-19, I was grappling with various physical health conditions such as suffering from chronic migraines and excessive weight gain, health conditions that become more frequent and intense while on Colgate’s campus. Therefore, when Colgate initially mandated students that departed campus for Spring break to return at the end of the break, I was immediately put in a complex situation. Traveling back home to Chicago was obligatory in order to seek adequate medical attention from my health provider. Before COVID-19 transitioned from an epidemic to pandemic status, I had acute migraines that made focusing on the final semester of my academic career difficult. Thus, I needed to go home in the name of self-care. However, the stigma applied to those who decided to leave campus and who would then later return was taxing. 

My mental and emotional health took a toll as I was willing to sacrifice my physical health by remaining on campus in order to avoid the stigma. “If you leave don’t come f*cking come back!” “If you leave you are stupid, selfish, and are privileged!” “Why can’t you just stay put?” These were just a few of the comments I personally received or heard others state in knowing some students were choosing to leave campus. These comments cut deep, especially for me. For students like myself, staying put was not an option. Staying put meant putting my health further at risk. It meant suffering from chronic migraines and not receiving adequate care. Furthermore, to be able to live on campus and not be perturbed about your physical health is a privilege in it of itself so much as it was deemed a privilege for me to leave. For two days, sh*t got real. I distanced myself from friends that did not support me leaving and being mandated to return. I decided that once I left campus, I was no longer returning. My time at Colgate had come to an abrupt and heart-wrenching end. Returning was not an option as I wanted to avoid the stigma and overwhelming hostility on campus. Then, that same Thursday, it was announced that the campus was closing and that students were mandated to pack up their things and return home by the end of Spring break: a reality many college students, not just at Colgate, but all over the world had to face. 

I would be lying if I said I was not a bit relieved once the email was dispersed as I no longer had to be concerned about the stigma applied to those leaving. Honestly, I was relieved, but I was also overwhelmed with the spectrum of emotions. I reconciled with my friends prior to leaving, realizing that these moments of uncertainty were not worth the end of beautiful friendships. While they were unable to return home due to their living situations, they understood that my departure was a necessity as it was an act of self-care.

Fast forward to today, and I am still grappling with my emotional state as many others are too. While my physical health is being properly attended to, there are familial and personal issues I have been dealing with. 

For instance, three weeks ago, I did not have my own private space. I hopped from bed to bed and never could escape from my family’s craziness. Sure, some may have advised me about going for a walk or enjoying myself in my backyard, good practices of self-care. However, for me, that was not enough. I yearned for a private space where I can find some peace and quiet, to have a private study space. Living in a household of 6 is not easy and aside from having a private space, there was no privacy. There was constant traffic going in and out of the kitchen, basement, and even the backyard. I yearned for hours of solitude, not just 5-10 minutes. Thus, practicing solitude as a form of self-care at home was complicated, to say the least. While I am fortunate enough to have a personal room now, issues of privacy still persist: my sisters still have their personal belongings (clothes, shoes, baby’s toys)  in my room meaning that there is traffic in and out of my room and my privacy is invaded during all waking hours (or even when I am sleeping). Will I ever get a break? Probably not. However, I realize the dimensions of privilege that I obtain in living in a house where I do have access to a private space in which others around the world do not due to financial constraints and due living in a household consisting of more than 6 individuals means little to no privacy en masse. Thus, I have been more appreciative of what I already have and have been reminding myself that I must not be selfish and wish for more than is needed: I must recognize that my living situation could be much worse. 

Aside from transitioning from bed-hopping to having my own room, there has been a lot of personal issues I have been grappling with. In regards to my physical health, the migraines still persist. However, they are less frequent and less intense. Good news right? Most definitely! But with good news comes not so good news. Recently, I was informed that I have celiac disease, which means that I have to make incremental changes to my diet and overall lifestyle. Certainly hearing this news and the framing of it as a “disease” was quite concerning. However, to have an explanation for the discomfort I have been enduring is good to know. Now, I can take the necessary steps to properly take care of myself. Overall, knowing that those with celiac disease are more susceptible to frequent and intense migraines was a silver lining. The uncertainty of my physical health condition was consuming me. But after post-diagnosis reflection with Professor Loe and others, I soon realized the importance of embracing uncertainty. 

Beyond physical health issues, I noticed my mental health issues have exacerbated. My anxiety has increased as I have been concerned with financial constraints. With having a family member who was recently laid off from work and currently being unemployed, I feel helpless. I want to be able to provide for my family but cannot. As a senior in college, I am concerned about getting employed post-graduation and saving up financially for graduate school expenses. There is so much uncertainty in all aspects of my life, but what I realize is that everyone, while some may be more privileged than others, is in the same struggle boat, searching for stability and certainty. 

No one was prepared for the havoc COVID-19 has unleashed. However, what is important for us to remember is that with time and patience, we will get through this one way or another. We must be appreciative of what we already have and support one another in the name of solidarity. 

Here are the few ways I am managing to keep myself grounded in the name of self-care: 

• Listening to my body. In order to stay grounded it is important to start working “in” and then work out. Thus, we must listen to our bodies. When my body is begging me to take a step back and rest, I do so. I put aside academic work, play calm background music, place my phone and laptop on the dresser, lay down, and close my eyes. Sometimes this turns into a nap, especially if I have a migraine. Sometimes this turns into a meditation session. Do whatever works best for you. 

• Facetime/Zoom Friends and Family. Catching up with loved ones always keeps me grounded. I enjoy virtual homework dates and showing my friends the latest Tik Tok dance(s) I have learned. 

• Netflix. Catch up on your favorite shows that you fell behind on. Or watch something new! Throw a Netflix Party with friends and family to keep each other company. 

• Color/Draw/Paint/Write. Put aside some time to be creative. Buy a coloring book or a scratch book to doodle. Perhaps even have a “sip n’ paint” session with loved ones, it is a great way to pass time (trust me, I’ve done quite a few).